hello gertrude
i am your big fan but i have a problem. i want to make a vase for my mothers birthday but i don't know how to do a project like that in secret because it takes so long for the varnish to dry so i can't just leave it in my room.
can you help me?

best regards,
jonathanjonathan

dear Jonathanjonathan,

First of all I want to thank you for mailing me. I think you must be a smart little boy. I always think it's smart to ask for help, I always do eventhough people may think I am stupid or something. I don't care.
You sound like a nice little boy too, since you want to make your mother a vase for her birthday. If all the little boys in the world would be as smart and nice as you I bet all the world's problems would soon be solved. I mean that would be the end of suicide bombings and pollution, if everybody were like you, wouldn't it be?
As far as your problem I think I have a solution for you! Why don't you work in your shed or barn or some such place. Or what about an attic? Just make sure it's not too dusty a place because the dust might stick to the varnish which would make your vase look rather ugly and cheap and all and that way it wouldn't be a good present at all.
Well I hope that solves your problem and if you have any more questions just mail me again because it makes me feel very good about myself if somebody asks me for advice for a change.
Yours gertrudely!

hello gertrude
no that doesn't solve my problem because both the attic and the barn are no good. the barn space is all used up by the unicorn. well there is some space but i think he would eat my project. and the attic is where grandpa lives so that's no good because he always knocks over everything

best regards,
jonathanjonathan

Dear Jonathanjonathan,

but that's silly. Unicorns don't exist, so how could there be one in your barn? Maybe you are not such a nice boy after all. Maybe you are just pulling my leg. Or maybe you're having psychiatric problems. Now don't worry, I won't hold it against you. I'm often a bit confused about everything myself.

Yours gertrudely!

hello gertrude
i am sorry i got you confused. i am not trying to pull your leg. i know unicorns don't exist and he isn't a real unicorn of course but he is my father who thinks he is a unicorn that's all.
how come you get confused about everything?

best regards,
jonathanjonathan

Dear Jonathanjonathan,

I get confused because life is confusing I think. Don't you think life is confusing? You must. People just don't make sense and that father of yours sounds like a good example of this if you ask me. I mean, why would he want to live in a barn just because he thinks he is a unicorn? Now that doesn't make sense at all. You would think he would want to live on a mountain or near a well or perhaps up in some hazy clouds. Who ever heard of a unicorn living in a barn? Well I certainly haven't and I can tell you I have heard lots of things. Is he into drinking sherry at all, your father? Because if he is maybe that explains. I mean everybody knows unicorns don't live in barns.

Yours gertrudely!

hello gertrude

sorry i haven't written but i wasn't allowed on the internet yesterday because bertha got upset with me because i went and asked the unicorn why he was living in a barn after you mailed me.
berha is my mother. we also have a chicken called bertha who lives in the barn with the unicorn.
bertha got so upset she threw a pot of macaroni on the floor and we had nothing to eat for supper. that part i didn't mind because i don't like that we always eat macaroni for supper but then she sent me to my room and unplugged the internet cable.
this morning she was calm again and she said it was okay if i mailed you but not to bother the unicorn again. it upsets him she says but i think it upsets her more.
no he is not into drinking sherry, but he got hit in the head with a piece of scaffolding that fell down on him and now he thinks he's a unicorn.

best regards,
jonathanjonathan

Dear Jonathanjonathan,

so what did the unicorn say when you asked him? I am really curious about that. I had a pretty rough time myself yesterday. Scaffolding & sherry I think it comes down to the same thing; they both knock you out or make you talk funny. Although I must say I never get my facts confused like that, I do have a tendency to talk funny. So what happened yesterday is I got busted by the police and I hadn't even done anything wrong. What I did is I followed this little old lady home because I liked her dress and while I was following her I kept thinking about ways to ask her if she wanted to sell me the dress and I guess I was thinking out loud because what she told the police is that some raving madwoman was following her talking about stealing her dress. I wasn't gonna steal it! This is what I told the police-officer too, I said 'I was just admiring her dress I wasn't gonna steal it!" and he just said he wasn't amused and I told him that "no he shouldn't be amused, there wasn't any reason to be amused". And for some reason this got him terribly upset and he handcuffed me and took me to the police-station and it was a horrid place and they didn't even give me coffee and they wouldn't even let me watch my favorite t.v. show (Dallas, reruns and eventhough I have seen them all before I still hate missing an episode. Sue Ellen is my favorite). Quite a bummer. I was in there all night and didn't get out until my brother came to get me out in the morning and it's a good thing I've got such a respectable-looking brother too because I think I would have still been there if he hadn't got me out.
Well, I just hope you had a better day yesterday.

Yours gertrudely!

poor gertrude,

i love Dallas too! what happened is that on lucy and mitch's wedding sue ellen flirted with an old boyfriend because she was upset with j.r. about him flirting with this girl afton (lucy's sister) and bobby quit his job as the president of ewing oil.

the unicorn didn't say anything when i asked him about why he is living in the barn because he never talks. sometimes he comes over and gives me a hug when i come to bring him macaroni in the morning though. he never does when i bring dinner because then he is always busy playing with the supernintendo. he has electricity and he has my old nintendo and a mattress and bertha the chicken.
but i think i know why he is there. i think bertha put him there so that grandpa doesn't shoot him.

i had a good day yesterday. i went out ice-skating with my friends herman and bob.

i have to go bertha's calling me for dinner...guess what we are having....macaroni soup yuck

best regards,
jonathanjonathan

Dear Jonathanjonathan,

ooooh goodie, you're a Dallas fan. You do sound too good to be true, a crafting boy who makes vases for his mother and who watches Dallas. You should run for president. Now what kind of mother feeds her family macaroni all the time I wonder. I mean it doesn't sound right eventhough the relatives consist mainly of unicorns and murdering grandfathers. You ARE a growing boy. Boys don't grow on macaroni, you should tell her this. You need variety in your diet. I know this for a fact because:
a) I was on a sherry diet myself once where you only drink sherry and nothing else all day but what happened is I grew weak and funny and I fainted and I ended up in the hospital which was nice in a way because I got a lot of attention and flowers and chocolates, but it wasn't really what you'd call healthy you know
b) Them little kids in Africa they always show in documentaries you know the ones eating only rice. Now, do they look healthy to you? I don't think so. They have potbellies and they are always covered with flies. There you go. Proof enough. Just tell your mother eating too much macaroni will give you flies and a potbelly!

Yours gertrudely!

hello gertrude

i don't think bertha will believe that about the flies and potbellies. bertha thinks macaroni is the best food in the world because she is an opera singer and because her teacher told her it will make her nice and fat and this he says is good for her voice.
i even get macaroni sandwiches to take to school but that's okay because i always trade them with herman and bob's sandwiches.

best regards,
jonathanjonathan

Dear Jonathanjonathan,

and what kind of sandwiches do they get? Herman and Bob I mean. Are they brothers? Are they in your class? Are they Nice Boys like you or the orangepeel-throwing-kind like the boy who lives next door to me? Now of course you don't know who lives next door to me but I can tell you it's one beastly little child. What he does is he sits in this tree house all day and waits for me to come out to feed the birds and then he throws orange peels at me. Not the kind of boy who would want to craft a vase for his mother, even if he had one still. He doesn't. She ran away with the woman living across the street from us 4 years ago and who can blame her? I wouldn't want to live in a house with an orangepeelthrowing kid even if he was my own son.

Yours gertrudely!

hey gertrude

they would never throw orange peels at someone nice like you but i think they would throw them at uncle leo if they thought of it and if they had a good treehouse to hide in
i would throw orange peels at uncle leo
maybe i will
tomorrow
so would that make us orangepeelthrowingboys if we only threw them at uncle leo you think?

they get all kinds of sandwiches herman and bob ham and baloney and peanutbutter & jelly but the thing is they always fight and this is because herman is a vegetarian and bob isn't and so herman kind of gets really upset when bob wants to eat a ham sandwich and he starts screaming and kicking bob which is really really stupid if you ask me
its a long story why this is stupid
its because they are siamese twins so if bob kicks herman he's hurting himself
that's why we trade my sandwiches for theirs
they both like macaroni
maybe he is just sad
your neighborboy i mean
i would be sad if bertha left
even if it was just across the street

best regards,
jonathanjonathan

Dear Jonathanjonathan,

Well if he's sad he sure has a funny way of showing this by throwing orange peels, don't you agree? I mean you'd think he would be throwing peels at either his mother or father instead of at me. What do I have to do with anything? No I'm convinced that he's just beastly. He's like his father who is a man of so little brain and with such a big old mouth that I am absolutely convinced he will someday confuse scientists all over the world if they ever happen to have the misfortune of digging him up to look for clues as to the development of the human race. I am convinced they will believe they have found a different species if they dig him up, my neighbor I mean. I'm thinking I should leave some kind of note in his coffin. If he dies before me, this is. I should leave a note just in case they come across his skeleton in later years. 'Dear scientist. You don't know me but I used to be the neighbor of this skeleton you've been unfortunate enough to dig up. Do not think it's a different species you've found. He just had a rather small brain and the protruding jaw is because he was always yelling at everybody and everything'.
I don't know though. I want to be helpful of course but there's a few problems with this.
1. how could I slip this note into his coffin?
2. what if he was cremated?
Strike out 2.
If he was cremated they would never find his skeleton and there wouldn't be a problem.
3. (2 actually) how could I make this note so it wouldn't decay? Should I laminate it, or perhaps carve it into a stone tablet.
Oh dear. I really need to think this out someday when I'm less confused.
So I'll ask you a few questions to keep my mind of this confusion.
When you say Siamese, do you mean like from Thailand? I know that Thailand used to be Siam a long time ago before you were born. I know this from a movie I saw. So they could be twins who were adopted from Thailand. Or do you mean to say they are actually Siamese twins, the kind that are stuck together???? That's rather awesome if they are because that means they are very rare indeed. You know they will never ever have to worry about having a career or anything, they can always join a circus. I bet every circus in the world would be thrilled to have them. They could even be like Siamese Clowns and they could kick eachother/themselves and people would think that was funny even if it's actually kind of sad.
Most people laugh at things that are actually sad.
I know this for a fact because I'm laughed at a lot.
Oh and I really have to know a little bit more about this Uncle Leo Person before I can decide whether he deserves to have orange peels thrown at him. So tell me and I'll think about whether you guys would be nasty orangepeelthrowingboys or not if you threw them solely at him. I think you need to have good good reasons for wanting to do something like this, so you'd better convince me with some great old arguments if you want to stay on my good side!

Yours gertrudely!

hey gertrude,

they are actual stucktogether twins
cool im gonna tell them you said that about a career maybe they can drop out of school
oh and uncle leo there are good good reasons why
there are so many that i cannot think of which to tell you first
uncle leo is not my uncle really
he is our personal live-in-shrink is what bertha says
bertha met him after all the unicorn stuff started
well not right away but when grandpa started trying to shoot the unicorn you know
this worried bertha so uncle leo moved in with us
its hard to tell you why uncle leo is so awful its that he knows everything and he talks all the time
but its not just that he knows everything
he knows everything better
always
but he knows useless things
that everybody knows already
i dont understand why people pay him
to tell them what they know
and to hear him talk and talk and talk
like about herman and bob
he says they have a symbiotic relationship and should get help
we googled symbiotic relationship herman and bob and i
and it says it means that you are stuck together
of course they are! i don't know if you understand me
i dont think i can explain you have to see uncle leo to understand and you have to hear him talk and talk and talk

now i have to go bring the unicorn his dinner
macaronipie what else

best regards,
jonathanjonathan